In the mood for a good long post today...

(SUPER LONG POST, YOU CAN NOT BOTHER READING, IT'S MY BLOG!)

Was talking to my younger cousin the other day who is now in Secondary 4 and still is clueless about what she is gonna do in life.

Me too. Me too.

And know what? The difference is that I am 5 years older. Freaking 5 years.

Only recently have I started to look back at the decisions I made in the past and I wonder if I would have been a totally different or better person.

I grew up in an extremely traditional family with my grandmother and my uncle who is single. My parents didn't had time for my brother and I. I get faulted at everything I do, had curfews, was constantly being compared to my cousins who happened to ALL be in elite schools like RI, ACS yada yada AND I get beatings only too often.

Worst period of my life. You cannot imagine.

Seriously, imagine you wearing a tube top out and you get nagged at for few hours for dressing like a slut. Imagine watching a movie with your boyfriend and your uncle calls to threaten you. I remembered I was shivering so hard I left in the midst of the movie. Imagine using a fork and your grandmother starts forcing you to use the chopsticks instead, imagine your uncle and your teacher gangs up on you, designing a special curfew for you. Half an hour to reach home after school. Nice.

I was stucked in an environment so mentally and physically suffocating I couldn't do anything. I didn't want to press my dad to move out cause I didn't want to add on to his problems. The only thing I had in my mind at the time was to GROW UP AND TAKE REVENGE and er, finish school ASAP so I can go work. (Duh, I need the money to move out with my brother)

As a result, I made the worse decision in my life. To go into a course in poly that I have zero interest in. I did well for my O's if I may say so myself, but because I was so lazy, I didn't even bother to go appeal for the course I wanted to go into. I just wanted to get over and be done with school. I wanted to step into the society and start working.

Bad.

Never rush into making decision when it comes to school.

It will change your life, FOREVER.

I'm the best example.

Upon graduating, I felt as lost as a black rapper in Alaska. Hahaha. OMG, what do I do now, what do I have now? Nothing. No talent. NOPE.

When it comes to talent, I seriousy have none. I'm not exceptionally good in anything? Jack of SOME trades, master of none. Fuck my life.

I feel so useless. I felt like a disppointment to my parents. I felt that if I'd tried harder, I could have made them proud. I wasn't bad at studying, I wasn't. In fact, I was good, or maybe just lucky all the time. WHY DIDN'T I TRY HARDER?

I earn enough to support myself now, but not enough for my parents and uncle. I want to be able to. I earn quite abit from modelling for blogshops but how long can youth last? You think I 30 years old already blogshops still will look for me? I think I next year no blogshops look for me already.

Brains la, brains are important. not beauty. It was never beauty.

I really want to go back to school now. But I don't have money okay! And no, I don't wanna ask from my parents. I'm 21 for god's sake.

K so my point is, if you're still in school, seriously, STUDY. Life cannot get any better than being a student. I used to be the one hearing this, can't believe I'm saying it. Really getting old. But trust me. Ok, maybe not study-study, at least don't study for the sake of studying. Finish and do well in your O's and pursue your dreams. Whatever your interest may be in!

And never, envy. When I was in school, I wanted to be this girl, wanted to be that girl. Now I want to be me. I wanted to be RICH and have everything in the world. I wanted to have this and that, and now, I just want to be close to my family and BE HAPPY. Such a simple thing, why do humans have to make the whole idea of being happy so complicated? Being envious of people make me feel inadequate as a person too many times and I am not gonna be a victim of that.

Do I hate my uncle or ever blamed my grandmother, NO. (last time not counted ok!) I love them. I thank them for who I am today. Everything they did was for me. They meant too well. They taught me so much, the value of life and kinship and all. Can't thank them enough, can't love them enough.

I'm gonna do what they do to me to my kids in the future! Muahahahaha! Suffer like how I did! Indeed, spare the rod and spoil the child. Hahahahahahah!

Anyway... true that I have so many grievances in life and I screwed up a few times but I've learnt to accept them and be contented with what I have. How long can materials last you? Today I buy a Chanel bag, yup happy. The happiness fades and I want another bag, and then I get it, and then the happiness fades away again? Sad life if your happiness have to been depended on a Chanel bag. Not saying you should start dressing frumpily and be happy with yourself but, know when to stop.

That's why I carry tote bag everywhere nowadays. Big and spacious? What's there to not like about it? Of course.. if someone wants to give me a Chanel bag, you're welcome la. *winks*

This is such a random post. I always like that, once in awhile will start thinking about alot of things and get emotional and...... ahh wells...

Going to Supper with my brother now. I wish I wasn't my brother's sister, I really love him so much I feel like marrying him sia! Hahahahahaha!

Bye and G Night. X