For the longest time, I've been in love with a guy. He was my world, I spent 24/7 with him for almost a year and a half until I went to China for an exchange programme. I have never been away from him ever since we got together and the sudden exposure was so liberating. I don't know what I was doing.

I felt so good being with my best friend everyday. I totally forgot how it feels like to be single and spending quality time with my friends. I could do everything I wanted and I did. I don't know what I was doing.

Everything started changing from then on, even when I came back, I knew things were different. Being apart for so long also made me realised a lot of things I didn't wanted to. I refused to realise the things I was realising. I tried my best to block everything that was negative because that is who I am. 

But I couldn't. It was my fault.

He was so patient and understanding. Such a nice person,  I know I should never make him sad again. 

And then I heard things from people. Something that changed my life. WHAT WAS THAT? I couldn't believe it. 

I always wanted to marry him. The date was set, on 10th October 2010.  I told every single one I knew. My mum told me nothing was forever, she said I was still young and people change. I was indignant. "Nah... what do you know about love mum?" 

But what do I know about love? Nothing.

Everything that I ever believed in failed me. The lies, deception and miscommunications ruined me. And I believed it was the same for him.

I tried to be happy again. Tried to fill the void in my heart by meeting people and having fun, and it led to disaster. It alleviated my pain for awhile but eats me up from inside out at night. 

Why do I feel like something is missing? Something at the back of my head kept telling me no matter what I do I wouldn't be as happy as I was. I tried so hard everyday, all I ever wanted in life was to just be happy. Why is it so hard to achieve something that is so simple? Was it me? 

All the random and insane thoughts in my head every night. I wanted things to change. Whatever the change is, I wanted a change.

It was a mess. I'm a mess. That's why he's not gonna want me back anymore.

Good Bye.

I've always been Aunt Agony for all my friends but I guess it's because I'm Miss Agony which is why I'm so good at comforting people. Miserable everyday. From now on, I'll look into the mirror and counsel myself until I'm better. 

I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself anymore. If I always live in the past I will never move forward in life. 

Now all I need to do is :

1. A serious mental spring cleaning. 

2. Get my driving license cause there's a new car (which I assume its for me) waiting for me at home! God dammit! 

3. Be nice to a certain someone I should have been since a very long time ago.

4. Accept my new reality, without resentment. 

This is so fucking depressing but feels like a closure, finally. Now for a new chapter of my life.......

FUCK THIS SHIT.

P/s: Thank you for all the well wishes and sharing your experiences with me everyone. I read through each and everyone of them and I really appreciate all your concern. I'm just gonna approve all the comments without replying them one by one because I don't really know how to this time. But I really thank all of you from the bottom of my heart. I hope all of us can find happiness once again. 

X